After a year defined largely- disappointingly- by stagnancy, I choose to make waves in 2011. For the first time, in 2010, I had a full time job that kept me grounded- like fog at an airport, to borrow a line from one Jay Pritchett. It was a year to learn patience and discipline. It was a year to learn how to sit still after a decade of travel and spontaneity that came to define how I see myself and my life. It was a year to see myself in a completely different light. You see, I come from a long line of women who do what they want. Women who travel- alone if they feel like it. Women who take control of their finances and relationships and live proactively and intentionally. Women who fiercely love and daily choose- but do not need- their men. Women who do not, unless they are sacrificing for their families, sit still. To satisfy the part of me that needed adventure and something to chase after, I bought a house. I love my house. I love that I get to prove to myself that I can handle it. I have no desire whatsoever to deny the gypsy in me just because I have roots, though. I am thoroughly over sitting still.
2011, we're gonna move around. I begin this year with a promise to myself: I will not be anything other or less than who I am. I will live truthfully, give generously, and create ruthlessly.
let's do this thing.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Right Brain, Engaged!
I am not a painter. I think that people who get by calling themselves painters generally have some quantifiable, or at least observed, degree of skill and I don't claim such a thing. So, I don't call myself a painter; but, I have begun to paint.
For the last year or so I have intended many times to purchase my own beginner paint kit, but never got around to it. You know how it goes. This Tuesday, though, I felt this urge to research art classes in the area and ended up registering myself for a class scheduled to meet that very night. Whitney Ferre (www.creativelyfit.com) is a local artist by accident who founded The Creative Fitness Center in Nashville, then began to paint. In that order. In this "Painting Made Easy" class she told us about her vision to open a kind of gym for the right brain; a place where people could come exercise the muscles of creativity. She had gathered painters, sculptors, bookmakers, and other artists to teach classes about using art to create change and The Creative Fitness Center was born. She had incredible success and now teaches painting classes all across the country as part of her Creative Fitness program and encourages people to activate and engage the right brain daily to experience calm, success, health, and creativity in all the areas of their lives. I thought I was going to a "paint blue here, green, here, and fill in the holes with blue" class- which would have been fine (again, not a painter)- and ended up inspired.
I painted last night and look forward to doing so again tonight. It's incredibly meditative, humbling, and calming to spend time entirely in my right brain and allow the calculating, planning, and logic of my left brain to rest for a while. There are truly no wrong answers with a paintbrush. If a color seems off, I paint over it. If I don't like the way the painting evolves, I paint over it. If I spill water on the canvass, I paint over it.
There's also something humbling in painting over what I am proud of. I painted a flower last night, and my mother told me this morning that it was a nice painting of a flower. I would have been pleased had someone simply recognized it as a flower, but she actually thought it looked nice! Tonight, I will paint over it. I will force my Ego to watch as I paint over that which I worked hard at and am proud of, and I will send alpha waves and calm energy off into the space around me. Woosah!
Maybe someday I will be a painter but tonight I will paint over my flower, work at conquering Ego, engage my right brain, and end the day feeling accomplished and at peace with myself and my work. Not too shabby for Daryn.
For the last year or so I have intended many times to purchase my own beginner paint kit, but never got around to it. You know how it goes. This Tuesday, though, I felt this urge to research art classes in the area and ended up registering myself for a class scheduled to meet that very night. Whitney Ferre (www.creativelyfit.com) is a local artist by accident who founded The Creative Fitness Center in Nashville, then began to paint. In that order. In this "Painting Made Easy" class she told us about her vision to open a kind of gym for the right brain; a place where people could come exercise the muscles of creativity. She had gathered painters, sculptors, bookmakers, and other artists to teach classes about using art to create change and The Creative Fitness Center was born. She had incredible success and now teaches painting classes all across the country as part of her Creative Fitness program and encourages people to activate and engage the right brain daily to experience calm, success, health, and creativity in all the areas of their lives. I thought I was going to a "paint blue here, green, here, and fill in the holes with blue" class- which would have been fine (again, not a painter)- and ended up inspired.
I painted last night and look forward to doing so again tonight. It's incredibly meditative, humbling, and calming to spend time entirely in my right brain and allow the calculating, planning, and logic of my left brain to rest for a while. There are truly no wrong answers with a paintbrush. If a color seems off, I paint over it. If I don't like the way the painting evolves, I paint over it. If I spill water on the canvass, I paint over it.
There's also something humbling in painting over what I am proud of. I painted a flower last night, and my mother told me this morning that it was a nice painting of a flower. I would have been pleased had someone simply recognized it as a flower, but she actually thought it looked nice! Tonight, I will paint over it. I will force my Ego to watch as I paint over that which I worked hard at and am proud of, and I will send alpha waves and calm energy off into the space around me. Woosah!
Maybe someday I will be a painter but tonight I will paint over my flower, work at conquering Ego, engage my right brain, and end the day feeling accomplished and at peace with myself and my work. Not too shabby for Daryn.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Truth Be Told
The thing about a funk is that even though it's all in our heads, it can make everything seem dull and flat. I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I am deciding today to get over it. If it's all in my head, and I believe that it is, then I get to tell the funk where it can go. To be in a funk is a choice. Today, I choose light. I choose to smile more and sulk less. India Arie has a song that says, "I choose to be the best that I can be. I choose to be authentic in everything. I choose. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose!" Today, I choose to do something brave. I choose to be kind when my impulse is to be impatient. I choose to do better, be thankful, see beauty, and give joy. I choose to be honest with myself. That's a big one. Do you lie to yourself? I bet we all do. Man, I can lie to myself. I can buy that. I'm not flaky. I'll do it later. Ay, carumba! Cut it out, D! A friend of mine asked me for some relationship advice last night and I said, "Just be honest. Don't be afraid of being honest, even if you're confused, because if the other person can't handle your honesty then you've found the deal-breaker." We have to be honest with ourselves and with each other. Just say the truth! Wouldn't our relationships be so much more substantial if we knew the truth about one another? I crave- that's crave- substantial, honest, brave relationships. I say brave because it's not at all easy, this being honest. Honesty uncovers brokenness and pain that we've worked incredibly hard to hide, but when someone sticks around after you let him or her in deep enough to see those things... that's what it's all about. To give and receive love from the people who know who you are, honestly... that is exciting! That is where relationships of depth and substance and life are cultivated- out of honesty. We should all hope to have these people with whom we can do the heavy lifting and deep digging of honest relationship. Being dishonest will put you in a funk, and that's a place nobody ought to be found. Not for long, anyways. So, today I choose to tell my funk where to go. Honestly!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Ask and you shall be enlightened
I am not a person who reads horoscopes, but today my eyes wandered across the Sagittarius entry at the end of a book review I read in the Life and Travel section of the Sunday paper. It read, "Once you dive into an endeavor, you will realize all that you do not know about it. Keep asking. As another Sagittaian once said, 'It's not the answer that enlightens, but the question.'- Eugene Ionesco" It's funny in an almost- but -not- quite 'haha' way that just 2 nights ago I discussed with my dear friend Wilhelm, over a glass of wine during a late night hot tub chat, all the things I have learned in the past 3 weeks of directing 'The Rules of Comedy'. It has been a month of asking questions. Directing is something that I am fulfilled by in a passionate, creative, expressive, and entirely different than acting kind of way. As much as I love acting- and there can be no minimizing that- there is something about bringing an entire theatrical process together, along with all the human and creative elements that come into play, that fills me up, too. As in Chariots of Fire, I feel His pleasure when I'm doing the work of the theatre. Directing, however, is this deep and unknown mystery that I'm still just unraveling in my own experience. There is so much that I do not know. I have been so grateful to the people in my life and my cast who have offered their thoughts and insight during this endeavor. I am confident 'The Rules of Comedy' would not be the hit it has become without their input. And it has become a hit. We have had record crowds for the black box and made more money already than any other show there has made, at least in my time there. I am thrilled, THRILLED with the product we've ended up with. My challenge to you is to throw yourself into a new endeavor. The anxiety and hard, hard work you put into it- along with all the questions you MUST ask- will pay off. There is no sound so sweet to me as an audience moved by something my team has created.
Monday, August 9, 2010
No Chaser
I've started this thing 4 times in the past half hour. I'm not going to post any of the other crap I wrote because it was insincere and threatened to make a big faker out of me and I don't want to post drivel just for the sake of it. Here's what's really on my mind tonight...
Honesty is almost always best, even when it's horribly inconvenient. I'm caught inside a mess with a friend and, although we do not and will not see eye to eye, we've been completely honest with each other from the start. We're not much closer to a solution than we were when this started, but at least we're confident in where the other stands and we don't have to live in the land of Passive Aggressiva. (Yes, I borrowed that from Grey's Anatomy.) We'll work it out and we may not like each other very much for a while after we do, but I know we'll be able to end the conflict for good because neither of us has anything to hide. That's reassuring. So, even though it's uncomfortable right now, we choose honesty. I recommend it.
Don't be a faker. Call it what it is. That's my theme for the week.
Honesty is almost always best, even when it's horribly inconvenient. I'm caught inside a mess with a friend and, although we do not and will not see eye to eye, we've been completely honest with each other from the start. We're not much closer to a solution than we were when this started, but at least we're confident in where the other stands and we don't have to live in the land of Passive Aggressiva. (Yes, I borrowed that from Grey's Anatomy.) We'll work it out and we may not like each other very much for a while after we do, but I know we'll be able to end the conflict for good because neither of us has anything to hide. That's reassuring. So, even though it's uncomfortable right now, we choose honesty. I recommend it.
Don't be a faker. Call it what it is. That's my theme for the week.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Nanny Diary
Friday's afternoon nap reminds me to exhale. Mondays as a nanny to 2 infants are filled with crawling around in the floor, playing peek a boo, dancing to the Beatles, and lots of tickle monster. Fridays feel more like lots of poopy diapers, picky eaters, and pulling hair. Nannying is at once incredibly rewarding and completely exhausting; sometimes more one than the other, depending on about a zillion different factors. We are, after all, 3 females stuck together for 55 hours per week. We love each other, and sometimes we drive each other to tears. My inability to understand what they want and need sometimes is, I'm sure, as frustrating to them as their seemingly unprovoked fits of crying are to me. It's all give and take and trial by error with these teeny people. They are the most important job I have ever had, and every day with them has eternal potential. How I interact with them and respond to their needs literally helps shape their little minds and hearts for the rest of their lives. It's easy to be patient when we're all getting along, of course. But, the days when Riley won't stop hollering in Molly's face, Molly doesn't want to eat anything but Puffs and throws peas and pears all over the floor, and both of them spend a great deal of time tugging at my ankles, fussing while I try to get bottles ready, those days are a challenge. It seems like those days are usually Fridays. Or maybe I'm just more acutely in touch with my own weakness after 4 days. Ha! But, then, there are moments when the Famous Footwear commercial comes on in the next room and Molly starts shaking her little butt and waving her little arms around as she dances to the electro-groove. And the moment when, after days and days of practice, Riley knows where her nose is. Those moments are pretty cool. Those moments and those little smiles make the fussing and the stealing sippy cups and the pulling hair just a little more bearable.
Today is Friday and I couldn't be more ready to have margaritas at my favorite happy hour downtown in just a few hours, but I still have a little bit more time and a little bit more dancing to do with my girls. So, cue music...
Today is Friday and I couldn't be more ready to have margaritas at my favorite happy hour downtown in just a few hours, but I still have a little bit more time and a little bit more dancing to do with my girls. So, cue music...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Well Worn
When was the last time you had one of those fitful days of thinking? Thinking without control or intent or purpose. Thinking just to drive yourself mad. This kind of thinking does not create or inspire or produce. It merely runs, each thought like that possessed herd of pigs headed full speed ahead toward the edge of the cliff, falling to the rocks below before ever doing anything with their lives but consume and excrete. That's the kind of thinking I'm doing today. These thoughts stampede in and out of my brain space and, for the life of me, I can't reign them in. It's in moments like these that the "sell everything and give to the poor" idea doesn't seem too crazy because then at least there would be no external junk to deal with, only the stuff in my head. But then I start to feel really nuts and wonder if, in fact, this is what the pigs felt when they saw the edge getting closer but couldn't stop running. And then I realize I've compared my state of mind to that of demonic swine and it seems we have more to discuss.
Some months ago I got it into my head that I would create this perfect life for myself. Beautiful new home, enviable wardrobe, fit body to slide into the enviable wardrobe, bountiful relationships, fulfilling theatrical prospects, growing IRA, chunky savings, and peace of mind. Here's the best part: I decided to accomplish these things all on my own by September 30. That's right. I planned to close on this new home (of which, don't be misled, I am incredibly proud and thankful for) 25 pounds lighter, with extra room in my savings as well as my skirts. Somewhere in between losing weight and stashing money, though, I have started to seriously lose it. This is tough, this making things fall perfectly in line in my life. When did I decide I could do this? Or even that I wanted my life to look the way it would if I could? Nothing is going as planned. I'm certain that failure will be my saving grace.
I have always held a deep appreciation for the imperfect. Lived in and loved on are virtues in my book. Although, let's be honest, I do love shiny and new, as well. I like the idea of worn in jeans and brand new gadgets. Freshly cut Christmas trees with decades old, homemade ornaments. Old family recipes in brand new Pampered Chef dishes. But life? And people? Always better well worn, and with stories to tell. So why have I let myself be swept away in this rat race all of a sudden? I heard it said once that even if you leave the rat race, you're still just a rat. Maybe that's why it's so easy to fall back into it. Maybe I need to decide every morning if I'm going to run with all the other rats or lay down with the sheep, at peace, and say, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
So, I guess in the end I'd rather be a sheep than a rat or a pig.
Some months ago I got it into my head that I would create this perfect life for myself. Beautiful new home, enviable wardrobe, fit body to slide into the enviable wardrobe, bountiful relationships, fulfilling theatrical prospects, growing IRA, chunky savings, and peace of mind. Here's the best part: I decided to accomplish these things all on my own by September 30. That's right. I planned to close on this new home (of which, don't be misled, I am incredibly proud and thankful for) 25 pounds lighter, with extra room in my savings as well as my skirts. Somewhere in between losing weight and stashing money, though, I have started to seriously lose it. This is tough, this making things fall perfectly in line in my life. When did I decide I could do this? Or even that I wanted my life to look the way it would if I could? Nothing is going as planned. I'm certain that failure will be my saving grace.
I have always held a deep appreciation for the imperfect. Lived in and loved on are virtues in my book. Although, let's be honest, I do love shiny and new, as well. I like the idea of worn in jeans and brand new gadgets. Freshly cut Christmas trees with decades old, homemade ornaments. Old family recipes in brand new Pampered Chef dishes. But life? And people? Always better well worn, and with stories to tell. So why have I let myself be swept away in this rat race all of a sudden? I heard it said once that even if you leave the rat race, you're still just a rat. Maybe that's why it's so easy to fall back into it. Maybe I need to decide every morning if I'm going to run with all the other rats or lay down with the sheep, at peace, and say, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
So, I guess in the end I'd rather be a sheep than a rat or a pig.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Can I be bratty for a moment?
Here's how I feel lately...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHJALKSDJAHEURHFBDSLFJASIEJWUFGWFHBDSCAMSKLDJEWUIFGRBDSJNSDJKF!
My emotions are a pinball machine. I am at once overcome by anticipation, anxiety, inspiration, sadness, listlessness, determination, apathy, wanderlust... I feel completely psychotic. All of this time alone with myself over the past weeks- and it's only just begun- time, time, time, time, time, time, time...
This is the first time in my life that I have ever been this still for this long. This is a time to learn and be disciplined and grow and I DON'T WANT TO.
There. I said it. I do not want to sit still. I do not want to do the same thing every day. I am 22 years old and I want to GO.
Pay off your debt, Daryn. It's so manageable and you can be rid of it by summer. Save every possible penny. Use this year to SAVE what you need in order to DO.
BE ALIVE.
CHOOSE GOOD.
CREATE.
SENSE.
FIND ENERGY.
BE LIBERATED.
PLAY.
LAUGH.
This is a season. I don't have to like it but I do have to be in it.
Blah, blah, blah.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHJALKSDJAHEURHFBDSLFJASIEJWUFGWFHBDSCAMSKLDJEWUIFGRBDSJNSDJKF!
My emotions are a pinball machine. I am at once overcome by anticipation, anxiety, inspiration, sadness, listlessness, determination, apathy, wanderlust... I feel completely psychotic. All of this time alone with myself over the past weeks- and it's only just begun- time, time, time, time, time, time, time...
This is the first time in my life that I have ever been this still for this long. This is a time to learn and be disciplined and grow and I DON'T WANT TO.
There. I said it. I do not want to sit still. I do not want to do the same thing every day. I am 22 years old and I want to GO.
Pay off your debt, Daryn. It's so manageable and you can be rid of it by summer. Save every possible penny. Use this year to SAVE what you need in order to DO.
BE ALIVE.
CHOOSE GOOD.
CREATE.
SENSE.
FIND ENERGY.
BE LIBERATED.
PLAY.
LAUGH.
This is a season. I don't have to like it but I do have to be in it.
Blah, blah, blah.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Goodbye, 2009
This holiday season has been one of firsts. Brandon and I spent our first Christmas together (Candy canes!!!), it's my first Christmas in a real job without a weeks-long Christmas break, the first Christmas I can remember that didn't immediately involve my dear Texas friends within a few days on either end, and this week I'll get my first honest to goodness, midnight New Year's Eve kiss. I've been dating for 8 years. How I managed to evade that kiss completely escapes me, but I'm thrilled I did! What a fun first to share with my mine, the sexiest of men.
In lieu of a long winded blog, I've decided to pen a poem to seal up my 2009 and ring in the new decade.
For My Dear Ones
2000 opened with high school for me
The four years that grounded the person I'd be
Fresh out of awkward and clumsy eighth grade
I figured with long hair and boobs, I've got it made!
Junior high grudges
became high school crushes
My friends became hot
(Though I knew them when they were, decidedly, not.)
Faryn, Kris, and Emmie invited me out
Then Tara came around and she taught us how
to dance and be silly and not try so hard
Without her, we never would have come so far
Coach A showed up and he taught us to think
Sports filled our days with locker room stink
We laughed and rode go carts until they crapped out
Life was a breeze, no reason to pout
In 2001, the towers came down
We cried and we tried to find peace in our little town
We called it a "bubble" but it was still home
McKinney made sure we were never alone
Dan and Andy became fast friends
then they became ours with a bond that won't end
Those years were our world and it's strange that they've passed
but we left them with friendships that will always last
College came round and we all stuck together
Now we're "grown up" and it's hard to tell whether
we'll end up in the same place or scattered around
No matter, we'll always know where the others can be found.
For now,
D
In lieu of a long winded blog, I've decided to pen a poem to seal up my 2009 and ring in the new decade.
For My Dear Ones
2000 opened with high school for me
The four years that grounded the person I'd be
Fresh out of awkward and clumsy eighth grade
I figured with long hair and boobs, I've got it made!
Junior high grudges
became high school crushes
My friends became hot
(Though I knew them when they were, decidedly, not.)
Faryn, Kris, and Emmie invited me out
Then Tara came around and she taught us how
to dance and be silly and not try so hard
Without her, we never would have come so far
Coach A showed up and he taught us to think
Sports filled our days with locker room stink
We laughed and rode go carts until they crapped out
Life was a breeze, no reason to pout
In 2001, the towers came down
We cried and we tried to find peace in our little town
We called it a "bubble" but it was still home
McKinney made sure we were never alone
Dan and Andy became fast friends
then they became ours with a bond that won't end
Those years were our world and it's strange that they've passed
but we left them with friendships that will always last
College came round and we all stuck together
Now we're "grown up" and it's hard to tell whether
we'll end up in the same place or scattered around
No matter, we'll always know where the others can be found.
For now,
D
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thankful
What I'm thankful for today:
Spending a joy filled evening with Brandon and his parents last night and falling in love with them all over again.
Driving through a neighborhood already decking itself out in lights.
New pillows on my bed that finally make it look just right.
Running out of room on my bookshelf.
Catching up on the shows I missed while away for work.
Mom's homemade bread.
A clean bedroom filled with lamplight and Adele.
Looking forward to spending tomorrow afternoon with Riley.
Enrolling for classes at MTSU next semester just because I can.
Helping Julie to feel ever so slightly less stressed by editing her papers.
Knowing that a week from now I'll be working full time for a salary.
Seeing mom after several days away from home.
Spending a joy filled evening with Brandon and his parents last night and falling in love with them all over again.
Driving through a neighborhood already decking itself out in lights.
New pillows on my bed that finally make it look just right.
Running out of room on my bookshelf.
Catching up on the shows I missed while away for work.
Mom's homemade bread.
A clean bedroom filled with lamplight and Adele.
Looking forward to spending tomorrow afternoon with Riley.
Enrolling for classes at MTSU next semester just because I can.
Helping Julie to feel ever so slightly less stressed by editing her papers.
Knowing that a week from now I'll be working full time for a salary.
Seeing mom after several days away from home.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Who says I can't be free
Listening to John Mayer's latest. I'll join the millions and sing his praises. No matter how much of an ass he sometimes is, I will always love his music. It takes me back to a lounge chair by the pool at our hotel in Florida ten Christmases ago with my CD player blasting out "Room For Squares" through the headphones and thinking this boy could steal my heart with his silky, smoky, strange voice. And, besides, I like him feisty.
What a place in life. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind that comes from the knowledge that one is exactly where one is meant to be. This is not where I started, mind you. My struggle during the months between graduation and employment have been largely dictated by anxiety and, frankly, fear. Anxiety over a plethora and apparent lack of options, at once. Don't ask me, I still haven't figured out how I managed that. Fear that my entire future happiness and the person that I will become depended on the steps or missteps, for that matter, that I would make during these seemingly critical and defining weeks. I was afraid not of making the wrong choices, necessarily, but of becoming the wrong person. The person who has stories of travels and adventure and exploration to share with her children one day would surely need to move to Italy for some undefined period of time and wander greater Europe until some sort of existential breakthrough could occur. The woman who could one day look back on a young love nurtured, tenderly cared and intensely fought for, and grown to maturity should surely stay put now for the sake of the man she will certainly always love. The strong and fiercely independent lady warrior who finds happiness and joy in solitude as much as in companionship because of the confidence and pride that follow a life done "my way" would, I thought, demand that I abandon home in a quest to "make it" somewhere strange and new with ambitions of graduate school and professional success. I spent months approaching my decision making by thrusting myself decades into the unknown future and tracing where I thought my invisible backwards footprints might have begun. Much to my dismay, this does not work. Friends and family have patiently humored my many ambitions and sat smiling as I began yet another conversation with, "So I have a plan..." until none of us knew when to take me seriously anymore. I think my parents arrived there shortly after my sophomore year stress found me renouncing school and making plans to join the Peace Corps.
I don't see the world as a place too big to tackle. I believe wholeheartedly that every corner of it can be explored in a lifetime. At least, the corners that the life is interested in checking out. I see possibilities as endless. Everywhere. All the time. Pile on a crippling sense of urgency and you have one very discombobulated lady. Once in a while I stop and reevaluate. I've found that my backwards tracing method of living is ill effective, at best. So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to raise these babies, save my money, pray for SHALOM, and exist fully in the present for a while. That means traveling when I can, tending to my love, intentionally developing each part of my being, recognizing that I am not just a person to become but that there are things to accomplish and a life to live presently, and letting myself fall away from the center and into the tapestry. So, for now, all is as it should be.
In other news...
The past month of travel, whilst it has certainly kept me moving (and I love to move), has left me feeling rather like roadkill. I've missed a month of church, had a grand total of I think 3 nights in my own bed, and have completely lost all sense of time. I know it's passing. It must be. But if it weren't for the fact that I know I have to drive to Atlanta tonight after rehearsal, I'd have not the slightest idea that today is Thursday. This is my last trip for a while. (See previous paragraph) This is certain. Perhaps another day trip to the Noog with B, but I'm going to lay low for a while. Three weeks, at least. :)
I must launder and pack now. Again. Love to all.
D
What a place in life. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind that comes from the knowledge that one is exactly where one is meant to be. This is not where I started, mind you. My struggle during the months between graduation and employment have been largely dictated by anxiety and, frankly, fear. Anxiety over a plethora and apparent lack of options, at once. Don't ask me, I still haven't figured out how I managed that. Fear that my entire future happiness and the person that I will become depended on the steps or missteps, for that matter, that I would make during these seemingly critical and defining weeks. I was afraid not of making the wrong choices, necessarily, but of becoming the wrong person. The person who has stories of travels and adventure and exploration to share with her children one day would surely need to move to Italy for some undefined period of time and wander greater Europe until some sort of existential breakthrough could occur. The woman who could one day look back on a young love nurtured, tenderly cared and intensely fought for, and grown to maturity should surely stay put now for the sake of the man she will certainly always love. The strong and fiercely independent lady warrior who finds happiness and joy in solitude as much as in companionship because of the confidence and pride that follow a life done "my way" would, I thought, demand that I abandon home in a quest to "make it" somewhere strange and new with ambitions of graduate school and professional success. I spent months approaching my decision making by thrusting myself decades into the unknown future and tracing where I thought my invisible backwards footprints might have begun. Much to my dismay, this does not work. Friends and family have patiently humored my many ambitions and sat smiling as I began yet another conversation with, "So I have a plan..." until none of us knew when to take me seriously anymore. I think my parents arrived there shortly after my sophomore year stress found me renouncing school and making plans to join the Peace Corps.
I don't see the world as a place too big to tackle. I believe wholeheartedly that every corner of it can be explored in a lifetime. At least, the corners that the life is interested in checking out. I see possibilities as endless. Everywhere. All the time. Pile on a crippling sense of urgency and you have one very discombobulated lady. Once in a while I stop and reevaluate. I've found that my backwards tracing method of living is ill effective, at best. So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to raise these babies, save my money, pray for SHALOM, and exist fully in the present for a while. That means traveling when I can, tending to my love, intentionally developing each part of my being, recognizing that I am not just a person to become but that there are things to accomplish and a life to live presently, and letting myself fall away from the center and into the tapestry. So, for now, all is as it should be.
In other news...
The past month of travel, whilst it has certainly kept me moving (and I love to move), has left me feeling rather like roadkill. I've missed a month of church, had a grand total of I think 3 nights in my own bed, and have completely lost all sense of time. I know it's passing. It must be. But if it weren't for the fact that I know I have to drive to Atlanta tonight after rehearsal, I'd have not the slightest idea that today is Thursday. This is my last trip for a while. (See previous paragraph) This is certain. Perhaps another day trip to the Noog with B, but I'm going to lay low for a while. Three weeks, at least. :)
I must launder and pack now. Again. Love to all.
D
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
New York
I came to NYC last Friday to visit ReAnna, so I apologize for my absence. Brandon decided to come up at the last minute, as well, so we spent the weekend together up here and I must say I love him in New York. We saw Oleanna with Bill Pullman and Julia Stiles and it thrilled my little heart to see that production. The semester that I worked on and performed in that show at Lee was one of the most challenging and rewarding of my college career. To see it on Broadway was a real treat. To share it with B was a treasure. We also saw the new musical, Memphis, and it filled us up with soul. We revisited the little Italian restaurant, Grano Trattoria, that my family and I discovered nearly 5 years ago on a trip up here and we rode the carousel in Central Park like a couple of kids.
It's been so nice to spend time with ReAnna after nearly two years apart. We've both grown and changed in the last two years, but we picked up right where we left off. My inner circle of girlfriends are so special to me because I have that kind of relationship with each of them. They're scattered across the globe, quite literally, but I know that I'm connected to them in a deep way that transcends geography. Thank God for them.
I have more to write. Much more. But I also have to get to the Opera, and that won't wait. I've only been to the opera once, and it was a very small one in Lucca, Italy. I know virtually nothing about the opera, but I'm thrilled to be going. THRILLED!
-D
Monday, November 2, 2009
Happy Thoughts
The perfect job. A real sense of discipline and growth. Spontaneous trip to Manhattan. Creative inspiration. Good health. Supportive family. Promising graduate school lead. Exciting new opportunities for family members. New hair. Full heart. Perspective shaping books to read. Little blessings. Things to forward to. Babies to love on. Holidays coming soon.
For these and for so much more I am thankful.
What peace.
"Do beautiful things for God."
For these and for so much more I am thankful.
What peace.
"Do beautiful things for God."
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Just People
Most days at Youth Specialties, the conference that MediaShout has me working that has been a regular of ours for several years, consist of flying frisbees and beach balls, free sno cones and popcorn, grown people riding around on tricycles or unicycles, loud music, raining nerf balls, and busy exhibit hall hours. Today was not that day. We had 2 hours of good business first thing this afternoon followed by six hours of virtually nothing at all. At least in Los Angeles, the exhibitors put on flag football games in the aisles and beach volleyball across the hall. Today, though? Let's just say I consumed more free candy than I should have, checked Facebook and my email compulsively, read every single article on CNN.com, and tried my level best improve my solitaire skills (Even then, after over an hour I'm looking at 3 for 17). The last 3 hours were torture for all four of us in booth watching the minutes creep by. When the closing bell finally rang, we wasted no time closing down and heading over to Rock Bottom Brewery for the third time in the past two days.
After dinner, we left the brewery and headed back across Fountain Square to walk the three blocks back to our hotel when we saw costumes and heard music. The city was holding a free "Monster Mash" dance party on the square for any and everyone who wanted to be there. I looked around and saw the homeless veteran whom I'd seen sitting outside the convention center earlier in the day dancing in the center of a circle made of young, old, black, white, costumed, painted, and happy people. After he had circled once or twice, hands raised, booty shaking, with a smile on his face, a young black kid high fived him and began break dancing and doing flips to Lady Gaga pounding through the sound system. A little spiderman who couldn't have been more than 4 or 5, after watching intently, entered the circle, got on his hands and knees, and started spinning sloppy circles with legs kicking every which way. My new buddy Barry pointed out the Moses, complete with stone tablets and wooden rod, across the square. I saw a reincarnated and slightly overweight Michael Jackson. I laughed. I danced.
And then the deejay played the Electric Slide.
I wish you all could have seen the dozens and dozens of people, some there with the youth conference, some who had panhandled for lunch, some teenage moms with babies, some with gray hair, some who could barely walk, and still others who could not have been more "white," join together in near perfect rhythm and do the electric slide as if Ric Silver himself taught us how. In those moments, despite our countless differences, despite generation and language gaps, despite the many economic and social universes represented, we were all there together. We danced. We laughed. We felt like friends. We shared life with each other for a few beautiful moments under the stars in downtown Cincinatti. I've never had a Halloween like it. Come to think of it, I don't know that I've ever had a single night like that.
Lady Gaga and freaky costumes aside, that's what the church should be. Those people represented so many different ways of life but we all enjoyed one another because the music gave us something outside of ourselves to move to. We got to take part in something bigger than our own persons, as trivial as it might seem, and laugh together as if nothing in the world separated us. Tonight we weren't black or white or poor or rich or druggies or prudes or bullies or nerds or failures or leaders or skinny or fat or strangers... we were just people. Happy, dancing people.
My Halloween rocked.
After dinner, we left the brewery and headed back across Fountain Square to walk the three blocks back to our hotel when we saw costumes and heard music. The city was holding a free "Monster Mash" dance party on the square for any and everyone who wanted to be there. I looked around and saw the homeless veteran whom I'd seen sitting outside the convention center earlier in the day dancing in the center of a circle made of young, old, black, white, costumed, painted, and happy people. After he had circled once or twice, hands raised, booty shaking, with a smile on his face, a young black kid high fived him and began break dancing and doing flips to Lady Gaga pounding through the sound system. A little spiderman who couldn't have been more than 4 or 5, after watching intently, entered the circle, got on his hands and knees, and started spinning sloppy circles with legs kicking every which way. My new buddy Barry pointed out the Moses, complete with stone tablets and wooden rod, across the square. I saw a reincarnated and slightly overweight Michael Jackson. I laughed. I danced.
And then the deejay played the Electric Slide.
I wish you all could have seen the dozens and dozens of people, some there with the youth conference, some who had panhandled for lunch, some teenage moms with babies, some with gray hair, some who could barely walk, and still others who could not have been more "white," join together in near perfect rhythm and do the electric slide as if Ric Silver himself taught us how. In those moments, despite our countless differences, despite generation and language gaps, despite the many economic and social universes represented, we were all there together. We danced. We laughed. We felt like friends. We shared life with each other for a few beautiful moments under the stars in downtown Cincinatti. I've never had a Halloween like it. Come to think of it, I don't know that I've ever had a single night like that.
Lady Gaga and freaky costumes aside, that's what the church should be. Those people represented so many different ways of life but we all enjoyed one another because the music gave us something outside of ourselves to move to. We got to take part in something bigger than our own persons, as trivial as it might seem, and laugh together as if nothing in the world separated us. Tonight we weren't black or white or poor or rich or druggies or prudes or bullies or nerds or failures or leaders or skinny or fat or strangers... we were just people. Happy, dancing people.
My Halloween rocked.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
News
So here's some news. I have been offered a job! A really good one. It's a nanny job with incredible hours, great pay, wonderful people, and sweet tiny ones. Two women who live down the street from one another each have a newborn and decided to go in together on a "nanny share," which basically means that both of them get full time private nanny care that would have been incredibly expensive individually. Enter Daryn. Riley and Molly are 9 and 5 weeks respectively. Watching such teeny ones means that I'll have time during the day to do homework which means that I can either go back for that second undergrad or start a grad program in the spring and take night classes. I will make enough to pay off my student loan and credit card bill within a couple of months. The families live in Mt. Juliet, 15 minutes from my house and well behind the rush hour crunch heading downtown. How's that sound? :)
I am not where I thought I would be. The road in front of me has taken an unexpected detour, but after this time working as a nanny and saving virtually all of my income, I will place myself squarely in the middle of possibility. And this time, I'll have the money to afford it. I have an incredible opportunity to buckle down, make some great money, complete some serious school work, and end this period of time with a hefty savings.
I have marked the past two months with much of my own efforts, ideas, and good intentions. I thought I had a great plan. The Lord provides. The Lord provides. The Lord provides. This next phase of life looks different from what my plan looked like, but it is better. His plan is better. He foiled mine over and over again. All of them. In spite of my best efforts. That's probably best :)
I have more. I have spent the day exploring a new city. I have much more, but dinner calls.
More later. Love
I am not where I thought I would be. The road in front of me has taken an unexpected detour, but after this time working as a nanny and saving virtually all of my income, I will place myself squarely in the middle of possibility. And this time, I'll have the money to afford it. I have an incredible opportunity to buckle down, make some great money, complete some serious school work, and end this period of time with a hefty savings.
I have marked the past two months with much of my own efforts, ideas, and good intentions. I thought I had a great plan. The Lord provides. The Lord provides. The Lord provides. This next phase of life looks different from what my plan looked like, but it is better. His plan is better. He foiled mine over and over again. All of them. In spite of my best efforts. That's probably best :)
I have more. I have spent the day exploring a new city. I have much more, but dinner calls.
More later. Love
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Return
I love to write. Why I haven't been able to find the motivation or creativity to write for the past several weeks had escaped me until very recently. The frustration of knowing the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes with writing but finding myself unable to get to that place of freely flowing thought maddens me sometimes. Brandon pointed out to me yesterday that my last blog was written immediately before a particularly traumatic weekend. He's right. This thing, the details of which I will leave out of cyber space for the sake of his privacy and mine, sucked the life and joy out of me for a good long time. I'm done with it now. It's time to do what I can.
That last sentence may seem vague to all but the few who have had the good fortune to bear witness to the existential pinball game which has been my life for the past 6 or so weeks. Suffice it to say the time in between graduation and employment has been volatile. Feeling paralyzed by the far reaching tentacles of the aforementioned trauma, I allowed myself to wallow in limbo for far too long. Unable to commit, with good reason, to any particularly long term obligations but unable to find a suitable distraction in the mean time, I've been a bit of a mess. There have been many Law and Order marathons in my recent past. Too many. To any who may have been affected by my absentmindedness and emotional withdrawal, I apologize. I'm over it. :)
Being over it means I must write. I have started several blogs over the past weeks couldn't justify posting what I thought was entirely self serving. Well, for Heaven's sake, this is MY blog. Forgive me, but I think the whole concept of a blog is self serving. Once you've bought into the idea of blogging, you're going to have to deal with the fact that your writing is actively promoting yourself. Whether or not people want to read it is entirely up to them. So, here I am again.
I am in flux. In between. In transition. However, I am not paralyzed and I can make some very worthwhile decisions right where I find myself today. One of the things I find to be true about the people in my inner circle is that none of us are ever in one place for a very long time. In our own ways, we're all nomads and we're almost always in some kind of transition. ReAnna, my dear friend with whom I shared my best days at Lee, has written several posts in her own blog about transition. ReAnna shares my love for geographic nomadism (I just made that up, I think), although her ventures have been more grandiose than my own of late. This is a girl who spent a semester in Cambridge studying literature (and tea), moved to Paris for a year for the heck of it, and now lives in Manhattan attending Pratt and surrounding herself with books and Argentinian wine. This is a girl I love and admire (and envy, but that's not the point at all). This is a girl who just left me a Facebook comment to the effect of, "Maybe you should save all your money and go backpacking through Asia with me next summer." This girl is a sister of mine. Her transitions involve currency exchange and passports and happen regularly so she certainly knows what she's talking about. Here is what she says about being in this bizarre and uncomfortable place: I’m in transit. And there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what’s next. And drink velvety smooth wine from Argentina. And be happy in knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be, even though I’m not in the situation that I thought I would be in. Lovely girl, you speak to my soul. Thanks for these words.
So, in spite of the madness that I realize I did not fully divulge here but has been very real to me lately, I am determined to BE right where I am supposed to be. Here. Now.
And I promise I'll write.
That last sentence may seem vague to all but the few who have had the good fortune to bear witness to the existential pinball game which has been my life for the past 6 or so weeks. Suffice it to say the time in between graduation and employment has been volatile. Feeling paralyzed by the far reaching tentacles of the aforementioned trauma, I allowed myself to wallow in limbo for far too long. Unable to commit, with good reason, to any particularly long term obligations but unable to find a suitable distraction in the mean time, I've been a bit of a mess. There have been many Law and Order marathons in my recent past. Too many. To any who may have been affected by my absentmindedness and emotional withdrawal, I apologize. I'm over it. :)
Being over it means I must write. I have started several blogs over the past weeks couldn't justify posting what I thought was entirely self serving. Well, for Heaven's sake, this is MY blog. Forgive me, but I think the whole concept of a blog is self serving. Once you've bought into the idea of blogging, you're going to have to deal with the fact that your writing is actively promoting yourself. Whether or not people want to read it is entirely up to them. So, here I am again.
I am in flux. In between. In transition. However, I am not paralyzed and I can make some very worthwhile decisions right where I find myself today. One of the things I find to be true about the people in my inner circle is that none of us are ever in one place for a very long time. In our own ways, we're all nomads and we're almost always in some kind of transition. ReAnna, my dear friend with whom I shared my best days at Lee, has written several posts in her own blog about transition. ReAnna shares my love for geographic nomadism (I just made that up, I think), although her ventures have been more grandiose than my own of late. This is a girl who spent a semester in Cambridge studying literature (and tea), moved to Paris for a year for the heck of it, and now lives in Manhattan attending Pratt and surrounding herself with books and Argentinian wine. This is a girl I love and admire (and envy, but that's not the point at all). This is a girl who just left me a Facebook comment to the effect of, "Maybe you should save all your money and go backpacking through Asia with me next summer." This girl is a sister of mine. Her transitions involve currency exchange and passports and happen regularly so she certainly knows what she's talking about. Here is what she says about being in this bizarre and uncomfortable place: I’m in transit. And there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what’s next. And drink velvety smooth wine from Argentina. And be happy in knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be, even though I’m not in the situation that I thought I would be in. Lovely girl, you speak to my soul. Thanks for these words.
So, in spite of the madness that I realize I did not fully divulge here but has been very real to me lately, I am determined to BE right where I am supposed to be. Here. Now.
And I promise I'll write.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Daydreams
I want to live in a city with a lighthouse near the ocean. I want to wake up to seagulls and sailboats. Seattle woke something up inside of me that has been lurching towards the water ever since I watched the sun set over the Puget Sound. The air was just... air. What a concept, right? It was so breathable. Brandon and I drank water straight from the river and it tasted more pure than any bottle I've ever put to my lips. All it takes is an hour's drive to forget about everything but nature. The mountains are silent. There is a kind of stillness up there that feels holy. The water sparkles with a beauty that is infinite. Standing on the pier and night with the skyline on one side of me and the sunset on the other... that was peace. Every part of me felt right with the world in those moments. The city lights didn't keep the stars from twinkling or the moon from dancing on the water. I've never seen anything quite like it. It was perfect.
That's all I've got for now.
Till next time,
D
That's all I've got for now.
Till next time,
D
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
No more blog neglect
Sorry it's been nearly a week since my last post! The past few days have been a whirlwind. It took 2 days for Alex and I to drive home, and I spent the entire weekend away from technology. This week so far has been full of reconnecting with friends, sending off resumes, scheduling interviews, and laundry. Oh, the laundry. I have three massive piles of clothes blocking the path from my door to my bed and the suitcase is still calling to be unpacked. I'll get it all finished just in time to repack for Seattle next week, I'm sure.
Seattle!!!
Brandon and I are headed to the mountains next week for sailing, unimog off-roading, wine, music, and time with an old friend of Brandon's from his touring days, Charlie. A couple of friends have asked recently how we afford to travel. The secret? Know where to find the best deals and be FLEXIBLE. The key is to have an open mind. So you want to take a trip to San Diego? Look for deals every day. Check airline websites (They're all broke and giving incredible discounts on flights. Beware taxes, though. Figure an extra $50 per person in addition to the flight cost for taxes and fees), online booking sites (For vacation packages, I've found that bookit.com has some of the best deals around for flight+hotel. Plus, they don't charge nickel and dime fees), and check your rewards options (You may be collecting points you don't even know about with credit cards, bank reward programs, etc. that you can redeem for a free hotel stay or other discounts). Flexibility means being willing to change your plans. Maybe you discover you can go to San Diego for half the price a week later than you'd planned. Or if your dates are concrete, you might find a better deal somewhere else. Are you willing to put San Diego on the back burner for a week in Chicago that will cost half the price? Popular destinations are going to be on sale for a long time with things the way they are now, so you'll hit the places you want eventually if you're willing to move them around as you find the best deals. B and I go where the deals are. We go to places where we can stay with friends and save on hotel costs, and we only go when the flights are on sale. I put a little money away each time I get paid and only go on a trip when I can pay for it without putting it on credit. I learned that the hard way. There are few trips worth months of paying off that credit card. Some might be, but those are rare. Save your money. It's all about being smart and knowing what you want. If you want to travel badly enough, you'll figure out what you can cut out and save up to make it happen. Be scrappy. Be happy.
Tonight, I'm headed to church to attend youth for the first time in 6 years. Stephanie and I have been talking about it for several months, and I'm going tonight to check it out as a leader now rather than a student. I'm thrilled. This church has become home for me in so many ways, and I'm so ready to invest more time and energy in the people who have become my extended family. I'm excited about the kids. I'm excited to learn from them and love on them. :)
Out for now. Headed to the pool to swim my self back into shape.
Till next time,
D
Seattle!!!
Brandon and I are headed to the mountains next week for sailing, unimog off-roading, wine, music, and time with an old friend of Brandon's from his touring days, Charlie. A couple of friends have asked recently how we afford to travel. The secret? Know where to find the best deals and be FLEXIBLE. The key is to have an open mind. So you want to take a trip to San Diego? Look for deals every day. Check airline websites (They're all broke and giving incredible discounts on flights. Beware taxes, though. Figure an extra $50 per person in addition to the flight cost for taxes and fees), online booking sites (For vacation packages, I've found that bookit.com has some of the best deals around for flight+hotel. Plus, they don't charge nickel and dime fees), and check your rewards options (You may be collecting points you don't even know about with credit cards, bank reward programs, etc. that you can redeem for a free hotel stay or other discounts). Flexibility means being willing to change your plans. Maybe you discover you can go to San Diego for half the price a week later than you'd planned. Or if your dates are concrete, you might find a better deal somewhere else. Are you willing to put San Diego on the back burner for a week in Chicago that will cost half the price? Popular destinations are going to be on sale for a long time with things the way they are now, so you'll hit the places you want eventually if you're willing to move them around as you find the best deals. B and I go where the deals are. We go to places where we can stay with friends and save on hotel costs, and we only go when the flights are on sale. I put a little money away each time I get paid and only go on a trip when I can pay for it without putting it on credit. I learned that the hard way. There are few trips worth months of paying off that credit card. Some might be, but those are rare. Save your money. It's all about being smart and knowing what you want. If you want to travel badly enough, you'll figure out what you can cut out and save up to make it happen. Be scrappy. Be happy.
Tonight, I'm headed to church to attend youth for the first time in 6 years. Stephanie and I have been talking about it for several months, and I'm going tonight to check it out as a leader now rather than a student. I'm thrilled. This church has become home for me in so many ways, and I'm so ready to invest more time and energy in the people who have become my extended family. I'm excited about the kids. I'm excited to learn from them and love on them. :)
Out for now. Headed to the pool to swim my self back into shape.
Till next time,
D
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