The Return

I love to write. Why I haven't been able to find the motivation or creativity to write for the past several weeks had escaped me until very recently. The frustration of knowing the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes with writing but finding myself unable to get to that place of freely flowing thought maddens me sometimes. Brandon pointed out to me yesterday that my last blog was written immediately before a particularly traumatic weekend. He's right. This thing, the details of which I will leave out of cyber space for the sake of his privacy and mine, sucked the life and joy out of me for a good long time. I'm done with it now. It's time to do what I can.

That last sentence may seem vague to all but the few who have had the good fortune to bear witness to the existential pinball game which has been my life for the past 6 or so weeks. Suffice it to say the time in between graduation and employment has been volatile. Feeling paralyzed by the far reaching tentacles of the aforementioned trauma, I allowed myself to wallow in limbo for far too long. Unable to commit, with good reason, to any particularly long term obligations but unable to find a suitable distraction in the mean time, I've been a bit of a mess. There have been many Law and Order marathons in my recent past. Too many. To any who may have been affected by my absentmindedness and emotional withdrawal, I apologize. I'm over it. :)

Being over it means I must write. I have started several blogs over the past weeks couldn't justify posting what I thought was entirely self serving. Well, for Heaven's sake, this is MY blog. Forgive me, but I think the whole concept of a blog is self serving. Once you've bought into the idea of blogging, you're going to have to deal with the fact that your writing is actively promoting yourself. Whether or not people want to read it is entirely up to them. So, here I am again.

I am in flux. In between. In transition. However, I am not paralyzed and I can make some very worthwhile decisions right where I find myself today. One of the things I find to be true about the people in my inner circle is that none of us are ever in one place for a very long time. In our own ways, we're all nomads and we're almost always in some kind of transition. ReAnna, my dear friend with whom I shared my best days at Lee, has written several posts in her own blog about transition. ReAnna shares my love for geographic nomadism (I just made that up, I think), although her ventures have been more grandiose than my own of late. This is a girl who spent a semester in Cambridge studying literature (and tea), moved to Paris for a year for the heck of it, and now lives in Manhattan attending Pratt and surrounding herself with books and Argentinian wine. This is a girl I love and admire (and envy, but that's not the point at all). This is a girl who just left me a Facebook comment to the effect of, "Maybe you should save all your money and go backpacking through Asia with me next summer." This girl is a sister of mine. Her transitions involve currency exchange and passports and happen regularly so she certainly knows what she's talking about. Here is what she says about being in this bizarre and uncomfortable place: I’m in transit. And there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what’s next. And drink velvety smooth wine from Argentina. And be happy in knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be, even though I’m not in the situation that I thought I would be in. Lovely girl, you speak to my soul. Thanks for these words.

So, in spite of the madness that I realize I did not fully divulge here but has been very real to me lately, I am determined to BE right where I am supposed to be. Here. Now.

And I promise I'll write.