Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thankful
What I'm thankful for today:
Spending a joy filled evening with Brandon and his parents last night and falling in love with them all over again.
Driving through a neighborhood already decking itself out in lights.
New pillows on my bed that finally make it look just right.
Running out of room on my bookshelf.
Catching up on the shows I missed while away for work.
Mom's homemade bread.
A clean bedroom filled with lamplight and Adele.
Looking forward to spending tomorrow afternoon with Riley.
Enrolling for classes at MTSU next semester just because I can.
Helping Julie to feel ever so slightly less stressed by editing her papers.
Knowing that a week from now I'll be working full time for a salary.
Seeing mom after several days away from home.
Spending a joy filled evening with Brandon and his parents last night and falling in love with them all over again.
Driving through a neighborhood already decking itself out in lights.
New pillows on my bed that finally make it look just right.
Running out of room on my bookshelf.
Catching up on the shows I missed while away for work.
Mom's homemade bread.
A clean bedroom filled with lamplight and Adele.
Looking forward to spending tomorrow afternoon with Riley.
Enrolling for classes at MTSU next semester just because I can.
Helping Julie to feel ever so slightly less stressed by editing her papers.
Knowing that a week from now I'll be working full time for a salary.
Seeing mom after several days away from home.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Who says I can't be free
Listening to John Mayer's latest. I'll join the millions and sing his praises. No matter how much of an ass he sometimes is, I will always love his music. It takes me back to a lounge chair by the pool at our hotel in Florida ten Christmases ago with my CD player blasting out "Room For Squares" through the headphones and thinking this boy could steal my heart with his silky, smoky, strange voice. And, besides, I like him feisty.
What a place in life. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind that comes from the knowledge that one is exactly where one is meant to be. This is not where I started, mind you. My struggle during the months between graduation and employment have been largely dictated by anxiety and, frankly, fear. Anxiety over a plethora and apparent lack of options, at once. Don't ask me, I still haven't figured out how I managed that. Fear that my entire future happiness and the person that I will become depended on the steps or missteps, for that matter, that I would make during these seemingly critical and defining weeks. I was afraid not of making the wrong choices, necessarily, but of becoming the wrong person. The person who has stories of travels and adventure and exploration to share with her children one day would surely need to move to Italy for some undefined period of time and wander greater Europe until some sort of existential breakthrough could occur. The woman who could one day look back on a young love nurtured, tenderly cared and intensely fought for, and grown to maturity should surely stay put now for the sake of the man she will certainly always love. The strong and fiercely independent lady warrior who finds happiness and joy in solitude as much as in companionship because of the confidence and pride that follow a life done "my way" would, I thought, demand that I abandon home in a quest to "make it" somewhere strange and new with ambitions of graduate school and professional success. I spent months approaching my decision making by thrusting myself decades into the unknown future and tracing where I thought my invisible backwards footprints might have begun. Much to my dismay, this does not work. Friends and family have patiently humored my many ambitions and sat smiling as I began yet another conversation with, "So I have a plan..." until none of us knew when to take me seriously anymore. I think my parents arrived there shortly after my sophomore year stress found me renouncing school and making plans to join the Peace Corps.
I don't see the world as a place too big to tackle. I believe wholeheartedly that every corner of it can be explored in a lifetime. At least, the corners that the life is interested in checking out. I see possibilities as endless. Everywhere. All the time. Pile on a crippling sense of urgency and you have one very discombobulated lady. Once in a while I stop and reevaluate. I've found that my backwards tracing method of living is ill effective, at best. So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to raise these babies, save my money, pray for SHALOM, and exist fully in the present for a while. That means traveling when I can, tending to my love, intentionally developing each part of my being, recognizing that I am not just a person to become but that there are things to accomplish and a life to live presently, and letting myself fall away from the center and into the tapestry. So, for now, all is as it should be.
In other news...
The past month of travel, whilst it has certainly kept me moving (and I love to move), has left me feeling rather like roadkill. I've missed a month of church, had a grand total of I think 3 nights in my own bed, and have completely lost all sense of time. I know it's passing. It must be. But if it weren't for the fact that I know I have to drive to Atlanta tonight after rehearsal, I'd have not the slightest idea that today is Thursday. This is my last trip for a while. (See previous paragraph) This is certain. Perhaps another day trip to the Noog with B, but I'm going to lay low for a while. Three weeks, at least. :)
I must launder and pack now. Again. Love to all.
D
What a place in life. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind that comes from the knowledge that one is exactly where one is meant to be. This is not where I started, mind you. My struggle during the months between graduation and employment have been largely dictated by anxiety and, frankly, fear. Anxiety over a plethora and apparent lack of options, at once. Don't ask me, I still haven't figured out how I managed that. Fear that my entire future happiness and the person that I will become depended on the steps or missteps, for that matter, that I would make during these seemingly critical and defining weeks. I was afraid not of making the wrong choices, necessarily, but of becoming the wrong person. The person who has stories of travels and adventure and exploration to share with her children one day would surely need to move to Italy for some undefined period of time and wander greater Europe until some sort of existential breakthrough could occur. The woman who could one day look back on a young love nurtured, tenderly cared and intensely fought for, and grown to maturity should surely stay put now for the sake of the man she will certainly always love. The strong and fiercely independent lady warrior who finds happiness and joy in solitude as much as in companionship because of the confidence and pride that follow a life done "my way" would, I thought, demand that I abandon home in a quest to "make it" somewhere strange and new with ambitions of graduate school and professional success. I spent months approaching my decision making by thrusting myself decades into the unknown future and tracing where I thought my invisible backwards footprints might have begun. Much to my dismay, this does not work. Friends and family have patiently humored my many ambitions and sat smiling as I began yet another conversation with, "So I have a plan..." until none of us knew when to take me seriously anymore. I think my parents arrived there shortly after my sophomore year stress found me renouncing school and making plans to join the Peace Corps.
I don't see the world as a place too big to tackle. I believe wholeheartedly that every corner of it can be explored in a lifetime. At least, the corners that the life is interested in checking out. I see possibilities as endless. Everywhere. All the time. Pile on a crippling sense of urgency and you have one very discombobulated lady. Once in a while I stop and reevaluate. I've found that my backwards tracing method of living is ill effective, at best. So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to raise these babies, save my money, pray for SHALOM, and exist fully in the present for a while. That means traveling when I can, tending to my love, intentionally developing each part of my being, recognizing that I am not just a person to become but that there are things to accomplish and a life to live presently, and letting myself fall away from the center and into the tapestry. So, for now, all is as it should be.
In other news...
The past month of travel, whilst it has certainly kept me moving (and I love to move), has left me feeling rather like roadkill. I've missed a month of church, had a grand total of I think 3 nights in my own bed, and have completely lost all sense of time. I know it's passing. It must be. But if it weren't for the fact that I know I have to drive to Atlanta tonight after rehearsal, I'd have not the slightest idea that today is Thursday. This is my last trip for a while. (See previous paragraph) This is certain. Perhaps another day trip to the Noog with B, but I'm going to lay low for a while. Three weeks, at least. :)
I must launder and pack now. Again. Love to all.
D
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
New York
I came to NYC last Friday to visit ReAnna, so I apologize for my absence. Brandon decided to come up at the last minute, as well, so we spent the weekend together up here and I must say I love him in New York. We saw Oleanna with Bill Pullman and Julia Stiles and it thrilled my little heart to see that production. The semester that I worked on and performed in that show at Lee was one of the most challenging and rewarding of my college career. To see it on Broadway was a real treat. To share it with B was a treasure. We also saw the new musical, Memphis, and it filled us up with soul. We revisited the little Italian restaurant, Grano Trattoria, that my family and I discovered nearly 5 years ago on a trip up here and we rode the carousel in Central Park like a couple of kids.
It's been so nice to spend time with ReAnna after nearly two years apart. We've both grown and changed in the last two years, but we picked up right where we left off. My inner circle of girlfriends are so special to me because I have that kind of relationship with each of them. They're scattered across the globe, quite literally, but I know that I'm connected to them in a deep way that transcends geography. Thank God for them.
I have more to write. Much more. But I also have to get to the Opera, and that won't wait. I've only been to the opera once, and it was a very small one in Lucca, Italy. I know virtually nothing about the opera, but I'm thrilled to be going. THRILLED!
-D
Monday, November 2, 2009
Happy Thoughts
The perfect job. A real sense of discipline and growth. Spontaneous trip to Manhattan. Creative inspiration. Good health. Supportive family. Promising graduate school lead. Exciting new opportunities for family members. New hair. Full heart. Perspective shaping books to read. Little blessings. Things to forward to. Babies to love on. Holidays coming soon.
For these and for so much more I am thankful.
What peace.
"Do beautiful things for God."
For these and for so much more I am thankful.
What peace.
"Do beautiful things for God."
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