Thursday, November 19, 2009

Who says I can't be free

Listening to John Mayer's latest. I'll join the millions and sing his praises. No matter how much of an ass he sometimes is, I will always love his music. It takes me back to a lounge chair by the pool at our hotel in Florida ten Christmases ago with my CD player blasting out "Room For Squares" through the headphones and thinking this boy could steal my heart with his silky, smoky, strange voice. And, besides, I like him feisty.

What a place in life. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind that comes from the knowledge that one is exactly where one is meant to be. This is not where I started, mind you. My struggle during the months between graduation and employment have been largely dictated by anxiety and, frankly, fear. Anxiety over a plethora and apparent lack of options, at once. Don't ask me, I still haven't figured out how I managed that. Fear that my entire future happiness and the person that I will become depended on the steps or missteps, for that matter, that I would make during these seemingly critical and defining weeks. I was afraid not of making the wrong choices, necessarily, but of becoming the wrong person. The person who has stories of travels and adventure and exploration to share with her children one day would surely need to move to Italy for some undefined period of time and wander greater Europe until some sort of existential breakthrough could occur. The woman who could one day look back on a young love nurtured, tenderly cared and intensely fought for, and grown to maturity should surely stay put now for the sake of the man she will certainly always love. The strong and fiercely independent lady warrior who finds happiness and joy in solitude as much as in companionship because of the confidence and pride that follow a life done "my way" would, I thought, demand that I abandon home in a quest to "make it" somewhere strange and new with ambitions of graduate school and professional success. I spent months approaching my decision making by thrusting myself decades into the unknown future and tracing where I thought my invisible backwards footprints might have begun. Much to my dismay, this does not work. Friends and family have patiently humored my many ambitions and sat smiling as I began yet another conversation with, "So I have a plan..." until none of us knew when to take me seriously anymore. I think my parents arrived there shortly after my sophomore year stress found me renouncing school and making plans to join the Peace Corps.

I don't see the world as a place too big to tackle. I believe wholeheartedly that every corner of it can be explored in a lifetime. At least, the corners that the life is interested in checking out. I see possibilities as endless. Everywhere. All the time. Pile on a crippling sense of urgency and you have one very discombobulated lady. Once in a while I stop and reevaluate. I've found that my backwards tracing method of living is ill effective, at best. So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to raise these babies, save my money, pray for SHALOM, and exist fully in the present for a while. That means traveling when I can, tending to my love, intentionally developing each part of my being, recognizing that I am not just a person to become but that there are things to accomplish and a life to live presently, and letting myself fall away from the center and into the tapestry. So, for now, all is as it should be.

In other news...

The past month of travel, whilst it has certainly kept me moving (and I love to move), has left me feeling rather like roadkill. I've missed a month of church, had a grand total of I think 3 nights in my own bed, and have completely lost all sense of time. I know it's passing. It must be. But if it weren't for the fact that I know I have to drive to Atlanta tonight after rehearsal, I'd have not the slightest idea that today is Thursday. This is my last trip for a while. (See previous paragraph) This is certain. Perhaps another day trip to the Noog with B, but I'm going to lay low for a while. Three weeks, at least. :)

I must launder and pack now. Again. Love to all.

D

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